Toronto, ON- If you hadn’t learned by now, Monday Morning Coffey is the 49 Sports weekly column that ponders the questions that absolutely nobody has asked. The name? It’s Monday morning, you’re drinking coffee, and my last name is Coffey.
This week that question is simple, if you theoretically put all of the AUS mascots in an arena for one big mascot brawl, who would win? So I decided to rank these mascots on potential brawl-ability, toughness, and how I think they’d do in a fight.
#11: STU Tommies
I, uhm…. I don’t really know how to describe who or what Tommy is supposed to be let alone how he’d handle a mascot rumble. Google tells me he is a cat so he would either be up a tree hiding or as he appears to be in this photo, injuring himself so much he would be out first.
#10; Mount Allison Mounties
I don’t really know what I was expecting from the Mounties for a mascot, but Monty kind of looks like discount Donald Duck wearing a toupee. I just don’t see him as a mascot that could last in Mascot Hunger Games he’s soft, he’s squishy and I just think he’d quack under the pressure. (I’ll show myself out)
#9: UNB Reds Men’s Hockey
Prospect only slots in above Monty for being a well built hockey player rather than a duck but that’s the best compliment I can give him. Prospect has what you could call a punchable face that Captain X and the Axeman would probably spend a lot of time punching.
#8 Moncton Aigles Bleus
Super Blue the Eagle is just way too chill to really get invested in Mascot Hunger Games. Super Blue would be the “make peace, not war” mascot and while it’d be an admirable trait, it’s not going to win in a showdown.
#7 SMU Huskies
I respect Huskie for being an absolute rebel as this sign clearly shows. Huskie looks like a very good dog, he just doesn’t stack up to the other mascots that follow in strength, speed and being two mascots rather than one.
#6: Dalhousie Tigers
The Dalhousie Tiger
The Dalhousie Tiger is just not intimidating enough. Even in this photo he’s showing weak defensive skills, arms out wide letting this child tackle him. There are some bigger cats in this jungle that would eat the Tiger for lunch.
#5: StFx X-Men and X-Women
Captain X and Super Xavia
For our first pair of mascots to enter the ring we have (checks notes) Kronk and Yzma from The Emperor’s new Groove? I kid, Captain and X and Super Xavia are the two Wildcards in Mascot Hunger Games, if those green lanternesque rings have some sort of hidden superpower than they could be the favourites but for now I see them middle of the pack.
#4: Memorial Seahawks
Sammy the Seahawk
I give Sammy the Seahawk an advantage of being the only bird in this scenario. He would be able to fly above and pick off his prey one by one. He is skinny though so if one of the other mascots were to get him in a ground fight he might bow out early. Until then, fly bird fly.
#3: Acadia Axemen
Axeman and Axewoman
Acadia has the second AUS power couple. Maybe it is the abundance of plaid giving me extra confidence about their fighting skills but I could just see these two being able to tag team throw down.
#2: UPEI Panthers
Pride the Panther
Pride the Panther is what the Dalhousie Tiger dreams of being. Stronger, buffer, more intimidating, that is a cat who would be scary with his claws out.
#1: Cape Breton Capers
The Highlander manages to be friendly enough to get kids to smile but also manage to look like he both just left a bar fight and is about to head to another one. Look at this mascot and tell me you wouldn’t instantly put him at number one in a potential fight. Forget panthers and tigers and brawny lumberjacks, the Highlander is a Scotsman and that trumps all.
So thus answers the question that nobody ever asked of which AUS mascot would win in a fight? Let me know if you think I’m right, let me know if you think this mattered, heck let me know if you want to fight me (on second thought don’t) in the comments below.